Little Johnny and April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

Going Green

We can all do our part in going green. Its not that hard. Life is turbulent, but the turbulence we feel today, will be nothing like the disaster we'll see tomorrow, if we don't act! Take your newspapers to the trash dump or set them out on the road for the city to pick up. Keep barrels or large trashcans to throw away bottles, cans, and other recyclables. Place a large container in the yard and cover it with simple window screen. Use the rain water you collect to help water your plants. Gosh, there are so many things you can do, if you just use your imagination and think green!

Going Green Statistics

The amount of wood and paper thrown away each year is enough to heat 50 million homes for 20 years.

99.5% of all the fresh water on Earth is found in icecaps and glaciers.

Each gallon of gas exhumed by a car contributes about 19 pounds of CO2 into the atmosphere. For a single car driving 1,000 miles a month, thats equal to 120 tons of CO2 a year.

Americans throw away 25 billion Styrofoam coffee cups every year, and 2.5 million plastic beverage bottles every single hour.

A single polystyrene (Styrofoam) cup contains one billion billion molecules of CFCs. (Chlorofluorocarbons) Written out, thats 1,000,000,000,000,000,000. Whew!

Once a CFC atom reaches the ozone layer, it can take 100+ years before it breaks up and becomes harmless.

110 million Americans live in areas where levels of air pollutants are considered to be harmful according to the federal government.

Americans dump 16 tons of sewage into their waters, every one minute of every day.

Although water covers two-thirds of the Earth's surface, the fresh water found in lakes, streams, and rivers represents only one-hundredth of the Earth's total water.

Each year, 1 million sea birds, 100,000 marine mammals, and 50,000 fur seals are killed as a result of eating something plastic.

Americans throw away enough glass bottles and jars to fill the two 1,350-foot twin towers of New York's World Trade Center every two weeks.

Americans throw away about 40 billion soft drink cans and bottles every year. If they were placed end to end, they would reach the moon (and back!) nearly 20 times over.

84% of a typical household's waste, including food scraps, yard waste, cardboard, paper, cans, and bottles, can be recycled in some way.

Using recycled paper for one printing of the New York Times Sunday Edition, would save 75,000 trees.

If every American recycled just 1/10th of the newspapers they buy, we would save 25 million trees a year.

Each year, 40 million acres of tropical rainforests, (an area larger than the state of California), are destroyed by logging or burning.

Only 10% of the 35,000 pesticides introduced since 1945 have been tested for their long term effects on people.

It takes 1/20th the amount of raw materials to grow grains, fruits, and vegetables as it does to raise animals for meat.

The average American home uses about 300 gallons of water a day.

A small leak (of 1/32 inch long) on a faucet can waste up to 6,000 gallons of water a month, or 72,000 gallons a year.

America's refrigerators use about 7 percent of the nation's total electricity consumption which is about the same output of 25 large power plants. Close the *&!#&!$*# door!

By turning the heat down just a few degrees, Americans could save more than 500,000 barrels of oil each day which is over 21,000,000 gallons. Get out your sweaters and learn to conserve heat!

A single quart of motor oil disposed of improperly, can contaminate up to two million gallons of fresh water.

Driving 1,000 miles a month produces 120 tons of carbon dioxide a year.

If all vehicles on U.S. roads had properly inflated tires, it would save nearly 2 billion gallons of gasoline a year.


If American's especially, don't start going green soon, your life and mine, will be drastically changed forever. Do your part today by going green, if not for yourself, do this for your childrens, childrens, children!

V.A.T. for America? WTF?

Okay, I lived in England for 4 years...these people hate the way their country is governed and now the great USA, is adopting similar methods?  I seriously think that the Obama administration needs to spend more than a week or two in Europe to understand how horrible of an idea it would be to create a V.A.T tax for Americans.  V.A.T. means value added tax.  It is added to EVERYTHING from yogurt to gas.  It is one of the many reasons that Europeans can not afford their own vehicle, but lucky them they have an awesome public transportation system.  America lacks in the public transportation department outside of the major cities.  When gas goes up to $6 a gallon or milk up to $4 a gallon or when your favorite yogurt is $1.20 ... you will really feel the government in your pocket.  With the economy in a downfall, with very little signs of recovery adding taxes to everything so we can pay for a deficit that was caused by a government who blindly threw money at a problem without fully reviewing the situation and looking at other options -- it was like putting a band-aid on a broken leg, it was immature, thoughtless, and will cost the American people -- ALOT!

So... what happens if we don't pay our debt?  Well, for those of you who don't know we borrowed the money from China to help "stimulate" our economy.  And why would China even loan us this money?  Good question.  China has collateral!  What is the collateral though??  Some say they have a contract to seize eminent domain of U.S. property... others say it is the U.S. Federal Reserves.  In either case, they have something that our government doesn't want to lose... what are your guesses?  V.A.T is going to make life a lot harder for those pursuing the American Dream... Europeans will stay in Europe and who knows, many Americans might be running for the boarder!

A plan for living

A woman who had suffered a great affliction offered a beautifully practical plan for happiness:

"I have had nothing I could give others but myself," she often said, "and so I resolved that I would never sadden anyone with my troubles.  I have laughed and told jokes when my heart writhed with agony.  I have smiled in the face of misfortune.  I have tried to let everyone go away from my presence with a happy word and a bright memory to carry with them.  I know now that happiness begets happiness, and I myself am much happier than I would have been had I sat down wringing my hands and bemoaning my fate."

Let this be a message to all of those who doubt their effort to give anything.  Try to smile and give yourself with a happy undertone. :)  Everyone suffers from their own adversities.  Adversity is truely a part of life--there will always be something that will come up.  Smile and roll with the flow--it will pass whether you worry about it or not.

Wind of Change

I was out for my daily walk/run the other night and I felt the strong wind of change.  You know the wind that tells you that fall is on its way.  Though I've enjoyed my summer and transitioned into a new place, I'm looking forward to the winter. 
Dave and I are both getting 'ride fever' and can't wait to strap on (haha I said strap on) the snowboards and ride the mountains on the east coast.  We are getting season tickets to three different mountains out here, so hopefully we will have our pick.  I know it won't be anything like the long trails of the Rockies, but we will make do with what we get.  We are also looking at taking a hop into Germany for a week or two this winter, possibly going to Garmish to ride the Alps!  How exciting!  So for my friends in Germany...keep a room open! =)  For my other friends that are interested in hopping over let me know and I'll get you the information, as I get it.
It's going to be a great winter!  Are you ready?

Don't ask, Don't tell -- but I masturbate to the thought of you.

Ok, now Obama just really crosses the line at bringing "hope" to the American people.  He wants to ban the "don't ask, don't tell" policy put in place to protect the privacy of troops.  As prior service I know what type of quarters are shared among the same sex.  Obama needs to be put in a locker room full with 60 other men and told that there are several men in the locker room that find him attractive.  To enhance what they would be feeling toward Obama, Obama needs to first be put in a locker room of about 60 females, so he will understand the sexual attraction the men would feel towards him.  Instead of making the 5-7% of troops happy to be themselves sexually, he his putting in jeapordy the state of mind of the other 90+% of troops. 

Dear President Obama,

You are trying to appease the American people and forget about who your decisions really affect.  Stop listening to the hot air blown up your ass on a daily basis and put yourself in their shoes.  Stop being stupid.

Your boss... an American Citizen!

"A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants."

12 babies = A vaginal aneurysm

A woman is having 12 babies in England, to upstage OctoMom!

"12 Babies at once = One broke ass vagina. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. Not only is this sick, immoral and a waste of tax player money...it's just down right fucking disturbing. She is basically giving birth to a litter of puppies. This is what happens when people play god and fuck with fertility treatments. You weren't meant to have kids due to natural selection (Darwinism of you Uterus)..so asshat doctors go and play god and shit like this happens. I'm literally so mortified that I can't even come up with coherent thoughts. If this woman gets one stitch of welfare like that OctoMom Whore, I'm going to personally march to Congressional Hill and call to arms my fellow tax payer who are sick of supporting fucking tards like this. (Yes, I know the one packing a dozen isn't from the US, but it's just raising the bar for attention seeking morons here.)" Kristy M.

Humans are NOT meant to have 'litters' of children!  There is a reason for this  -- our bodies aren't capable of sustaining the physical and psychological stress of having dozens of children at once, she'll be lucky if all the children makes it to adulthood without some form of emotional handicap, as she might not meet the needs of all them when needed.


I hate retarded people.

Glam Pirates?

Yeah! WTF is Glam Pirates?  So I'm watching this horrible show 'toddlers and tiaras' on TLC.  One of the little girls considers herself a Glam Pirate.  Her father looks like a closet ass pirate/ pedafile.  I feel so sorry for these young children who are forced to dress up as sexy adults to walk down a runway and be JUDGED!!  WTF?!  This just encourages psychopathic pedafiles that "ITS OK" to look at them because they are being presented as 'adults'.  It is just sick!

Stop being a Glam Pirate...be a damn kid!

existing

in many of my emails that i have sent my friends over the years i have told them that "life is short. you need to live, not exist." however the last few months, i've done absolutely nothing. i wake up in the morning, have some coffee, blog, check email, respond, go to the park, lunch, nap, television and bed -- seriously that is my day, except i usually don't blog but respond to forums. in any case, i find myself just existing and i know how people get caught up in the whole 'contentment of life'. i don't want to be content, i have actually despised the happy ordinary family life idea. i don't necessarily like drama, but i like 'life in my life'. i'm kind of that person that likes to run (except I don't) because it adds something to their day type of person. i want to know what people done before, cable and the internet?

i am currently a stay-at-home-mom, not really by choice because i want a job -- so seriously i'm in that "comfortable concentration camp" they talk about in the Vagina Monologues. i've been looking for a job, however with a bad economy, looking for a job almost seems pointless. however, i am lucky that i have a college education, a security clearance, and professional work experience; but i'm super lucky because i have a husband that brings in a good pay check with a secure job in this economy. i've thought of a thousand "million dollar ideas" but yet thinking about these ideas has not gotten me any money, my husband told me that i actually have to put them into action but i questioned that because why do they call it a "million dollar idea"? Why can't I just sell my ideas? lol if only life were that simple.

well it is almost time for my afternoon nap. i'm going to my bedroom, where i don't exist, until my 2 year old wakes up, then apparently i am his world. :)

he Awakening


A time comes in your life when you finally get it... when in the midst of
all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the
voice inside your head cries out, "ENOUGH!" Enough fighting and crying or
struggling to hold on.

And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to
subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and, through a
mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and
waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety, and security to
come galloping over the new horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he
is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella (nor are you Superman and
she, Lois Lane!) and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale
endings (or beginnings, for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily
ever after" must begin with YOU and in the process
a sense of SERENITY is born of ACCEPTANCE.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will
always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are... and that's
okay! (They are still entitled to their own views and opinions.)

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say
and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always
about YOU.

And you begin to sift through all the stuff you've been fed about how you
should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you
should wear and where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where
you should live, and what you should do for a living, whom you should sleep
with, whom you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage, the
importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive, and that there is
power and glory in creating and contributing. You stop maneuvering through
life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated
ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation
upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything,
it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance
of setting BOUNDARIES and learning to say, "NO."

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and
that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love; romantic
love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop
giving and when to walk away.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would
have them to be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and
outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with
love... and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your
terms just to make you happy.

And you learn that alone does not mean lonely... and you look in the mirror
and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect
10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and
agonizing over how you "stack up."

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,
kindness, sensitivity, and respect... and you won't settle for less. And you
allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his
touch... and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And
you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it
and treat it with respect. You begin
eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to
exercise.

You learn the fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create
doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the
body,
laughter fuels our souls. So you take more time to laugh and to
play.

You learn that for the most part, in life you get what you
believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling
prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that
wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it
happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you
need direction discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can
do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn to fight
for your life and not to squander living under a
cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't
always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen
to unsuspecting, good people.

On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God
isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life
happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the
ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment
must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of
you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we
take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only
dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a
long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by
yourself and to make yourself a promise
to never betray yourself and to never settle for less than your heart's
desire.

And you hang a windchime outside your window so you can listen to the
wind.

And you make it a point to keep smiling, and to stay open to every wonderful
possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and your Higher Power by
your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design
the life you want to live as best you can.

~ Author Unknown ~

Bitter-sweet

you know those moments that you hate to see come but at the same time you've been waiting for it. my mother has been staying with me and my family for about 4 months; through those 4 months we have went through transitions. my mother decided to stop smoking after 39 years and she has been successful and I'm so very proud of her. however it has been a challenge to live with her and she has stuffed everything in the house in her mouth. well she leaves in a couple days and I'm going to miss her so much, but I also want to push her out the door now. lol i said it wasn't easy! :)

i'm looking forward to a new year (2009). i always like new beginnings; it is like smelling the first snow or the earth after a hard rain. that past is clear and the future has nothing but a beautiful outlook. :)

Crap Tuesdays

Well it is a Tuesday and ever since I can remember...Tuesdays are the worst day of the week.  Everything springs up on a Tuesday, but today is okay.  The weather here in DC is beautiful and my son, Connor, is down for a nap.  As I sip on a diet coke out on my back patio, I decided to take a moment to BLOG!
Well just to update everyone.  Barkley is no longer with us; he had to go!  He started to dominate Connor by biting his legs, pushing him down, growling at him, ect....not it the 'trying to toughen him up' kind of way either.  It is more like finding a dead corpse in my house type of way....not good.  I just hope Connor wasn't traumatized by that experienced.  He seems to do well around other dogs though.
I got to spend some the wonderful 4th of July weekend with my good friend Keron (aka: loser, Kdog, Keronian, hey you, the black frenchman).  I got to meet his lovely girl friend and wonder how much he paid her to come up.  lol  It was good to spend some time with him.  He's my oldest friend from my military experience...we go all the way back to basic training!!  lol  Good times!  Everyone knows that I enjoy a good laugh and can find humor in most anything, especially serious situations.  Well good ol' Keron got to see me laughing in the "push up" position during boot camp.  The training instructors don't really like you laughing, needless to say.  Like I said, "GOOD TIMES!"  I get to see them again Labor Day weekend at Virginia Beach...woohoo!
So I have about 7 weeks until my friend Kim gets married.  I'm so excited to see her and Brent tie the knot...and I hear it is going to be an aerobic workout.  I'm not Catholic, nor ever been in a Catholic ceremony but I guess we get on our knees alot. (hmmm)  I'm also super excited to see my friend, Heather, whom I haven't seen in FOREVER!  (Thanks for meeting me in STL, Heather)
Well I have to get back to my day...I'm a busy girl! :)  Ok, I just need another diet.

*REPORT*   *REPORT*  *REPORT*
Ok so I just got off the phone with one of my old neighbors in Montana-- here is the crap Tuesday report-- two of my other neighbors were in an automobile accident yesterday and are in critical condition.  I might be taking a trip back to Montana if they don't pull through. =(

my mother

I get so angry with my mother sometimes. She always gets herself in these horrible situations. She is almost 50 years old and though she is wise in many things, she always ALWAYS tries to go the cheapest way with everything. My mother bought a house last fall for a mere $14k in a small town. Yes it sounds like too good to be true...it is! I saw the house this past spring, it wasn't really bad but it still needed a lot of work.

My mother is the typical lower-middle class woman. She wants the American dream. My mom has been married and divorced a handful of times, so she has decided to live her life alone for the rest of her life. She wants a two bedroom home, with a cute back yard to grow her garden, in a small town with a charming church. However the problem is...my mother is also a truck driver. She never has enough money or enough time.

Here recently my mother had a roof leak in her house. She found out she needed a part of her roof completely replaced. Well instead of hiring a professional, she hired two young guys who supposedly had roofing experience; supplies and labor she payed them almost $3500. Well the boys weren't the smartest guys and after 2 weeks "fixing" the roof the guys said the roof was done. It rained about a week later and she found out that her roof was still leaking. Needless to say she was out of money and her "help" was out of town.

Before she hired these guys I advised her to just go to a professional, but she wouldn't listen. Now she is out $3500 and she didn't have any money to fix her roof leak. Well the midwest has been hit with a lot of rain and that rain is leaking into my mothers house, her ceiling collapsed. This cycle continues so I will spare you the agony of reading the rest.

My mother has always wanted to find the cheapest way out of things, but she gets what she pays for. However she never listens to me and it always costs her in the end. Why won't parents take advice from their children?

In the words of Chris Rock

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named:  Bush, Dick, and Colon!"
That is so funny and TRUE!

Home from Vegas

So I came home a week early from Vegas.  David hurt his back and ended up in the emergency room.  Most of you know it is hard enough taking care of a toddler by yourself and then  not being able to move would make things much harder (that was his situation).  I had to come home to take care of both of my babies.  I knew Dave wouldn't get off the couch to feed himself because he was in too much pain and Connor would be fed PB&J's for the rest of the week.  So it was in my best interest to come home early.
The two weeks in Vegas was great.  I was really tired of the planes flying over all the time at Nellis.  My room would vibrate and not in the good way...lol.  I caught a few shows and done a little gambling.  I went to Studio 54 for about 45 minutes-- the club scene is definitely not for me anymore.  I would rather be in a lounge so I can hear the person I am talking with.
Also for those who don't know...I will be reenlisting soon (probably this week).  I also may have to go back to Vegas for 6 months in November; however that is still far enough away for things to change. 
The highlight of my trip was definitely seeing my good friend Angie.  It had been almost 5 years since I had seen her but it definitely didn't feel like 5 years.  I believe "true friends" have the capability of picking up where they left off.  I can't wait to see her again.
It was a good trip and a mini-vacation; but I'm so very excited being home with my family.  Vegas is fun but extremely overrated.